Why Americans Don’t Ride Bikes
An English colleague of mine maintains a lifelong bafflement about why we Americans don’t like to ride bikes - to work, to school, to the store, to a friend’s house for dinner. American bike avoidance is a perplexity he apparently shares with his British countrymen. Oh, but just think of all the good reasons to get into cycling! It’s cheap, fun, healthy and green! he explains. And: You don’t have to own a car! (OMG, I know.) Why, I love to bike! Who doesn’t like to bike? he demands.
Americans, that’s who. I’ve tried, and failed, to explain just how un-American the bicycle-as-transport is, but until now it’s been a cultural difference lost in translation no matter how many social networks we try it on. Seeing as how we both speak English, that’s really saying something. “Codswallop!” he’ll snort. (This is English.) “Rubbish, absolutely ludicrous. There’s nothing remotely offensive about a bicycle!”
Oh, good sir, I beg to differ. Today, I compile the fruit of years of Gmail debate, enhanced by the intellectual quotient one could only possess hailing from the #1 country on earth (that’d be moi), into one final attempt to enlighten my friend across the pond. You know who you are.
Why don’t Americans ride bikes? I can’t believe I’m getting sucked into this conversation yet again, but here we go. Please don’t bother with your fancy links to articles of lists of reasons of sensible points about the benefits biking, which naturally have begun infiltrating American websites (evidence of the liberal media). You’re European which can’t be helped so I don’t want to make you feel too badly, but facts? Did Columbus need facts? You see my point.
1. First of all, as any American knows, bikes are for poor people. What kind of loser can’t lease an Escalade?
The exception is when bikes are for rich people, which is the only time it is acceptable to own a bicycle. Cycling, you see, is a hobby. A lark at your summer home in Maine. Alternatively, cycling is an athletic pursuit for your weekends in Marin or jaunts to Tahoe. Also, a perfectly legitimate excuse for grown men to wear spandex. Biking is for eccentric rich people except when you actually need your bike, like to get to the drugstore, in which case, you’re clearly poor and that’s not only icky, it’s foreign. All this is to say, biking is a status symbol except when it’s not.
2. Now, on the topic of foreign, what we really mean is socialist. You’ve been brainwashed to think socialism is good, poor thing, but it’s actually fascist. Yeah, I know. Sorry. Additionally, biking is lefty, liberal, hippie, treehugger, crunchy, granola, pretty gay, most likely sanctioned by the vegan lesbian lovechild of Alice Waters, Nancy Pelosi, and Gavin Newsom (don’t ask, it’s California), and basically the gateway drug to communism and enforced tofu. The soft kind. Of course.
3. Biking is something other people in other countries do, so hello? We’re #1, silly!
4. Biking is statistically favored by community organizers or something, and I believe I can dispense with this point entirely now without even typing that Ronald Reagan government quote because it’s so obvious I don’t have to finish this
5. Europeans like to bike. French people live in Europe. Freedom fries. You get it.
6. You cannot aerial hunt wolves from a bike. You just can’t, it looks stupid. (Props for the HT, SP!)
7. Consider, just think of the ramifications for hip-hop. Jesus H. Christ, have you people no souls? Do you know how many albums would be utterly demolished if we removed the automobile references? Do you have any idea the amount of booty that would not be had? Gin and Juice rollin on what, some sweet ano instead of dubs? Right. What is knee bacon in comparison to bullet wounds? If you don’t know what I’m talking about you’ll have to call 50 Cent. No wonder the sun set, if you know what I mean.
Cultural matters aside, there are lots of other practical reasons Americans don’t like to bike:
8. No A/C.
9. Biking is cool in Portland.
10. It’s also cool in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is the closest you’ll get to European of any American city, and may I please reference point 5 above.
11. If it can’t do 0 to 60 in under 10 seconds, I’m sorry, it isn’t real transportation. I’m pretty sure that one is actually a law.
12. How are you supposed to text while cycling? Answer me that. OMG WTF.
13. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you can’t go through the drive through on a bike.
You’ve done some good stuff, old boy. For English muffins, we thank you and all of Team Tea. But bikes? It’s just not how we roll.
(Although some can dream.)
Image: salim